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One thing I've been very shy about talking about my whole life is just how serious a lot of my depression is. It's hard for me to admit it because I've been very ashamed of feeling this way- I've reached a point in my life, however, where the drive not to feel so alone in all of this outweighs my fears. There are a lot of things that I struggle with my life. I've missed several semesters of school, on and off, because of my depression. I've pushed away friends and loved ones for fear of being a burden, which doesn't do anything but make me feel more alone in the long run. I've given up on so many projects and ideas from insecurity and never feeling like anything I do is 'good enough'. I've put myself down and I've beaten myself up over every mistake to a point where it's really hard for me to feel good about myself at all, or proud of the things I have accomplished.
However.
I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad writer. I'm not stupid, no matter how unintelligent I feel. I'm not unkind nor am I unattractive. I'm not too old to start working towards a career or pushing for my own projects to get finish. I'm not too old to work harder on academics, transfer colleges, and work towards a program that will really suit me. Giving up on these dreams doesn't accomplish anything. There's no excuse for pushing aside and trivializing the things that are important to me.
I know I'm not alone- I've had so many great friends who have helped me out in life and so many people I know I can turn to- I need to stop telling myself that turning for help makes me 'weak'. Seeking out and finding help doesn't make me weak on any level- I have many friends and family members who have needed outside help to set up a support system, and I would never, ever call them weak- so there's no reason to feel this way about myself. I need to stay open-minded and work towards reminding myself that I'm not a bad person. I need to open myself up to having support during those stages when I can't find reasons to like myself on my own. It's easy to say "I should be 100% self-sufficient in dealing with depression", but on the other hand, that can so easily spiral how I feel lately, which is a sentiment more aligned with "I feel utterly alone, and I'm not strong enough to keep hope for myself."
As a lot of you know, I've struggled with very serious depression from age seven onwards- even as a young child I'd go through periods where I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, or would put myself down, verbally, really awfully. To be honest, I'm not sure what caused these self-critical thoughts- it's a feeling that's been there for as long as I can imagine. The fact that it's been something I've "lived with" has made me try to ignore it, put it aside. It doesn't get worse, but it doesn't get better. There are still days when I struggle to get up in the morning or nights when I fight to push off anxiety, paranoia, and deep, deep sadness and loneliness. I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way- there are many successful, strong people who have coped with major depressive disorders, and there's no reason I can't be just as successful and strong. I need to keep reminding myself of this even on days when I feel at my most lost- I'm not alone in the world.
I've been going through a really, really rough time lately and I haven't told many people at all. It feels really good to get this off my chest. Thank you for your help, all of you- I couldn't ask for a better circle of friends. You're all like family to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. My hope is that I'll be able to leave behind this sadness and feel as good as I truly believe I deserve to feel. There have been a lot of false starts and relapses in dealing with my depression on my own. But, I can't give up.
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bouncy
ok
excited
sad
tired
accomplished
weirded out
cheerful
i need a nap
thoughtful
sleepy
today's alright.
sad